Falling Asleep
by chunkiechunder
Summary: AU: I heard once that drowning was a comfortable way to die, sort of like falling asleep. I wish... I wish I could drown.  Unbeta-ed, experimental one-shot


**Title: Falling Asleep**

**Summary: AU: I heard once that drowning was a comfortable way to die, sort of like falling asleep. I wish... I wish I could drown.**

**Warning/s: Angsty thoughts, maybe OOC, unbeta-ed, experimental fiction. **

**Reviews welcome.**

* * *

Annabeth runs to me, her blonde curls waving wildly around her and stormy-grey eyes sparkling with excitement. She looks beautiful as usual, even wearing the orange Camp Half-Blood T-shirt and baggy jeans smudged with white powder. I resist the urge to throw out my arms to embrace her like the old times. Even now, it's hard to accept that she's not my girl anymore.

"Percy!"

She hugs me anyway. I feel a brief moment of warmth and it is like three years ago again, clinging onto each other underwater, surrounded by my air of bubble. A stab of melancholy brings me to the present.

"Annabeth. How are you?" I sound formal and I hate it, hate the fact that I can no longer be myself with her. If she notices, she doesn't act like it. Instead, she pulls out of the hug (I feel the absence of her warmth immediately) and starts to study me with narrowed eyes. I squirm under her gaze.

"What?" I say defensively.

"Nothing," she replies. A smile breaks out on her face. "It's just... so good to see you."

I almost recoil. I wish she wouldn't say things like that. Can't she see the effect she still has on me? That still, after three whole years, a little spark of hope refuses to die in my heart? I was told once by her mother, Athena, that my fatal flaw was the way I attached too easily to everyone - the way I refused to let go. Considering the fact that she is the Goddess of Wisdom, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that she was right. Every time I see Annabeth, a little of me dies. I wonder how long it will take for her to kill me off completely.

"Um, Percy," Annabeth says, blushing hard for some reason. "I have something to tell you."

My heart skips a beat, and I have to try hard to keep my face straight. I know this won't be good news. For me, anyway.

Annabeth's face is bright red. Gods, she looks cute. "Can we walk?" She walks ahead without waiting for my answer, knowing I'd follow. As I always do. For privacy, she heads towards the forest. It's kind of funny how everyone overlooks the tree naiads who most certainly are not deaf.

"What is it, Annabeth?" I ask, trailing behind her. To avoid staring at her butt I look off to the distance, where I can see the sun setting behind Thalia's pine tree. The Golden Fleece that we had retrieved on a quest what seems like a million years ago glitters in the fading light. Peleus the guard dragon is sleeping, his massive body curled protectively around the tree trunk. Annabeth doesn't answer until we're a good way into the forest and I can't see the sun set anymore. She stops before reaching Zeus's Fist, a massive pile of rocks that used to conceal an entrance to the Labyrinth. She turns back to face me but avoids my eyes, and takes a deep breath. I brace myself.

"Luke and I are engaged."

I blink. I feel like I've been hit by one of Thalia's lightning. There's a pinging sound in my head and my limbs tingle weirdly. My eyes can't focus. Annabeth's blonde hair blurs from my vision, and back. That's it, then. My life is over. She may as well have stabbed me at my Achilles spot with her knife. The knife that Luke gave her. Luke. Her precious Luke...

"Wow. Congratulations," I hear myself say. "You guys make a good couple, you know that? I've always thought so."

Annabeth looks a little stunned, and greatly relieved. "You're not... angry?"

"Angry? Why would I be angry?" I force myself to grin, urge myself to keep talking, because there is pain, a hollow ache in my chest where my heart, my hope used to be. "I'm happy for you," I tell her, dazed. "You deserve to be happy, Annabeth. You and Luke."

Annabeth positively glows with happiness and my false comment is almost worth it. Almost.

"What about you, then, Seaweed Brain?" she says playfully, but with an underlying seriousness. "Are _you_ happy?"

I take a moment to consider the question wryly. My life currently consists of me waking up, eating breakfast, training, having lunch, training, having dinner, and going to bed to dream about lost half-bloods struggling to make it to the camp. I never see Grover anymore because the satyrs are so busy. I never even hear from my half-brother Tyson or from my father Poseidon. I never get quests. Not even death-threats from Ares who seems to have forgotten about me. At camp I see Annabeth snuggling with Luke. At school I get chased by monsters that take one lazy swipe of Riptide to kill. At home Mum is so busy with her new book that I'm always eating definitely-not-blue takeaways with Paul. Everyone I used to be friends with have become distant - Nico di Angelo, the Stoll brothers, Chiron, even Blackjack is always off somewhere, never answering my calls anymore.

"Yeah," I say. "I'm very happy, Annabeth."

* * *

I run.

I don't pay attention to where I'm running to but I'm not surprised when I find myself at the beach. The sea has always made me feel better. Desperate for some kind of comfort, I wade into the water until the waves churn around my chest. But the water doesn't take away the pain. It doesn't heal me like it does my cuts and bruises. I am reminded of the time, years ago, when Luke's scorpion stung my palm and water did nothing to fix it. Luke's stung me again but this time there's no helping me. I'm already dead.

I don't realise I'm crying until a tear drops into the ocean. The night's pitch-black today with only a thin slice of moon. A million stars shine above me but I'm in no mood to admire their beauty today. And anyway, there are too many constellations of my dead friends that I don't want to look up. Instead, I look at my swimming reflection in the black water. Ugly. No wonder Annabeth prefers Luke. Handsome Luke. Nice, kind, funny, brave, clever Luke. And then there's me, the bigheaded Son of the Sea God. I wipe my tears away furiously and plunge head-first into the sea.

Water roars in my ears. The sea is almost disturbingly empty. A couple of fish swim by idly. Something long and slimy flickers past swiftly, either a sea serpent or a giant eel. No hippocampus greets me. There's not even a shark around. Not knowing whether to be sad or thankful, I sink myself further into the dark depths.

The pain in my chest doesn't lessen, but I feel calmer, more composed. I float around aimlessly for a while, thinking nothing. But my ADHD brain can never stay blank for long. I start to remember all the times I sought refuge in the water. The day Charlie Beckendorf died. The day Annabeth and I kissed underwater. The day she broke up with me for Luke. And now.

I swim up to the surface, emerging completely dry. My body feels heavy as I sit down on the sand. I wish I had someone to talk to, someone who would understand and make me feel better. Mum. Grover. Tyson. Rachel. Father. Anyone.

_Please._

A voice calls, "Percy! I thought I might find you here!"

I close my eyes in dismay. Luke was the last person I was wishing for. He jogs over, reminiscent of his father Hermes, and sits down next to me, smelling of death. I frown at him.

"Oh, the smell," Luke says. "I was with Nico."

Nico, who doesn't even smile at me anymore and yet, has late-night conversations with Luke. It feels like Luke's doing this on purpose, rubbing in my face that he's more popular than me despite the fact that he once turned himself over to Titan Lord Kronos, almost destroying the world as a result. As much as I want to run him through with Riptide, I restrain my anger. For Annabeth's sake if nothing else.

Luke clears his throat awkwardly. "Listen, Percy. You... heard, right?"

"About the engagement?" I try to smile, but my facial muscles seem frozen. I wish I was in the sea still, because then Luke wouldn't have found me. "Yeah. Congrats."

"Thanks." There's genuine happiness in his voice. A lump lodges in my throat as I think that I should be in Luke's position right now. He should be congratulating me, not the other way around. "It wouldn't have been possible without you."

I feel a stab of pain at the implication that I brought this doom upon myself. "What do you mean?"

Luke seems to realise how he sounded. He blushes and looks away. "I mean - you saved my life, for one. That day at Olympus. I was ready to die, you know? But you told me that I had to live. You gave me ambrosia and nectar, keeping me alive until the gods came. You saved me."

"Only because of Hermes," I say coldly. I don't want Luke feeling grateful to me. I almost wish Kronos would possess him again, because then I can justify my hatred for him. "And it was Apollo who healed you."

"But I would have died if you hadn't acted."

_I regret it,_ I want to say, but of course I don't. Instead, I gaze at the sea, concentrating on the movement of the waves, trying to keep control of myself.

"Do you still love her?"

I scowl. "What do you want, Luke?"

Luke looks straight into my eyes as he says, "I want your blessing, Percy."

I freeze.

"I know you still have feelings for her," he continues. "But she loves _me_, not you. It's time to let her go, Percy. Annabeth is happy. Truly happy. Isn't that good enough for you?"

It's not. Selfish as it may seem, all I can think is: what about me? Don't I deserve to be happy as much as anyone, and even more than some? I've lived through the Great Prophecy, saved the world from destruction that Luke himself had wrought. It's thanks to _me_ that the half-bloods nowadays get claimed by their godly parents, that minor gods have their own cabins, that Nico is included in the camp. I've done so much and what have I gained? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I don't speak. I don't trust my voice.

"Give us your blessing, Percy, and let her go. Only then can you seek happiness yourself."

I remember distantly the time Nico and I asked my mother for blessing before we travelled to the Underworld so I could bathe in River Styx and become strong enough to face Luke/Kronos. I hate that Luke reminded me of that time, intentionally or not, when I still thought there was a chance for Annabeth and I to get together. To be together. To stay together.

"Percy?"

"Shut up, Luke."

"But I -"

"I said SHUT UP!"

I jump up and run towards the sea. Luke yells out to me but I ignore him. Fire. Fire is inside me, sending a burning pain shooting down my limbs. It hurts. Everywhere hurts. I plunge into the ocean for the second time this night, and will myself to get wet. I need to quench the fire. It hurts. It hurts so much.

I'm crying. Weeping. Sobs wreck my body and various sea creatures pause to watch the Son of the Sea God bawl his eyes out.

"Go away!" I scream. They dart out of sight. It doesn't make me feel better. My emotions are torrents. One second I hate everything in the world. The next, I'm remembering the good times I had with Annabeth, back before she left me for Luke. I see her smiles, her laughter. Then I want her to suffer, just as I'm suffering. It feels like betrayal, treachery. Because we've been through so much together, given up so much to be with each other. For Hades' sake I gave up _immortality_ to be with her! What else does she want from me? What else can I do for her? What else can I give her? What can I do to make her love me again?

I know the answer and it's torture. Nothing. There's nothing I can do to make her love me again. Because she loves someone else. She loves Luke. Always has. Always will.

I'm spent. Exhaustion clings to every part of my body despite being in the ocean. Without moving, I picture myself getting out of the water, entering my empty cabin. Falling asleep after tossing and turning. Having a nightmare. Getting up in the morning. Having breakfast. Training. Searching for Luke and giving them my blessing. Letting Annabeth go. Letting her go. For the last time.

I'm tired.

So tired.

I heard once that drowning was a comfortable way to die, sort of like falling asleep.

I wish...

I wish I could drown.

I wish...

I could fall asleep.

Right here.

And never wake up.

Never let her go.


End file.
